Friday, March 28, 2003
Unexpected Growth
I'll admit that I've been feeling pretty discouraged about my growth recently. My devotional life has dropped into almost non-existence in the past few weeks, and I'm barely posting here once a week, much less once a day. It also doesn't help that I'm feeling very "blah" about life in general.
In spite of all this, I think I was given a small glimpse of some growth today. A softball meeting was planned for this Sunday at 2:30pm, but someone found out they had to work, so we were thinking about rescheduling to Saturday at 6:00 or 7:00pm. Considering that I had already made plans to watch Hockey Night in Canada with a friend, I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea, but since I thought it important to have a meeting asap, I said I could make it. I still wanted to catch as much of the game as possible though, so I asked if we could start at 6:00pm rather than 7:00pm.
I don't want to get too much into it, but in the discussion that followed I felt a bit hurt personally by something that someone said about priorities and I wrote a really long reply to explain/defend myself. In hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea since I wasn't at my most objective at the time, and I sent the reply off before reading some other replies that might have changed my response somewhat. Then I got a reply to my reply, felt kind of hurt again, and wrote another reply, but in a calmer state of mind this time. Basically it was an issue that normally wouldn't have become an issue if I hadn't been uncharacteristically emotional and responsive at the time. To put it simply, I was oversensitive and over reacted.
But the good that I can see from the whole thing is that I actually tried to explain my feelings. Usually I just take things and hold them inside myself. If I feel wronged or hurt by someone I'll pray about it, but I won't say anything to the other person. I do manage to deal with it that way, to forgive and forget, but it can take quite a while, depending on the situation. For example, something happened last year and even though I absolutely knew that the person hadn't intended to injure my feelings, and didn't even realize that my feelings had been injured to begin with, I still felt little twinges of that hurt all the way up until partway through this year.
So even though I suspect that I didn't do a very good job of expressing myself (and thereby muddied the situation rather than clearing it up), the fact that I was willing to share my feelings seems to be a good start for me in learning how to trust others.
Sorry if that didn't make any sense at all! ^^;;
Oh, and don't worry, we worked things out and I feel like everything's a-okay again. ^_^
But as a sign of "anti-growth" I still feel a bit stupid for saying anything in the first place. If I hadn't said anything, it would've only been an issue for me; talking about it made it into an actual issue. =Þ It's hard to totally turn around the way you think!
I'll admit that I've been feeling pretty discouraged about my growth recently. My devotional life has dropped into almost non-existence in the past few weeks, and I'm barely posting here once a week, much less once a day. It also doesn't help that I'm feeling very "blah" about life in general.
In spite of all this, I think I was given a small glimpse of some growth today. A softball meeting was planned for this Sunday at 2:30pm, but someone found out they had to work, so we were thinking about rescheduling to Saturday at 6:00 or 7:00pm. Considering that I had already made plans to watch Hockey Night in Canada with a friend, I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea, but since I thought it important to have a meeting asap, I said I could make it. I still wanted to catch as much of the game as possible though, so I asked if we could start at 6:00pm rather than 7:00pm.
I don't want to get too much into it, but in the discussion that followed I felt a bit hurt personally by something that someone said about priorities and I wrote a really long reply to explain/defend myself. In hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea since I wasn't at my most objective at the time, and I sent the reply off before reading some other replies that might have changed my response somewhat. Then I got a reply to my reply, felt kind of hurt again, and wrote another reply, but in a calmer state of mind this time. Basically it was an issue that normally wouldn't have become an issue if I hadn't been uncharacteristically emotional and responsive at the time. To put it simply, I was oversensitive and over reacted.
But the good that I can see from the whole thing is that I actually tried to explain my feelings. Usually I just take things and hold them inside myself. If I feel wronged or hurt by someone I'll pray about it, but I won't say anything to the other person. I do manage to deal with it that way, to forgive and forget, but it can take quite a while, depending on the situation. For example, something happened last year and even though I absolutely knew that the person hadn't intended to injure my feelings, and didn't even realize that my feelings had been injured to begin with, I still felt little twinges of that hurt all the way up until partway through this year.
So even though I suspect that I didn't do a very good job of expressing myself (and thereby muddied the situation rather than clearing it up), the fact that I was willing to share my feelings seems to be a good start for me in learning how to trust others.
Sorry if that didn't make any sense at all! ^^;;
Oh, and don't worry, we worked things out and I feel like everything's a-okay again. ^_^
But as a sign of "anti-growth" I still feel a bit stupid for saying anything in the first place. If I hadn't said anything, it would've only been an issue for me; talking about it made it into an actual issue. =Þ It's hard to totally turn around the way you think!
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Prayer Request
Sorry, this isn't going to be a real post. As the title suggests, this is just going to be a prayer request. I've really messed up this time, and as a result this week is going to be absolutely killer for me.
Tomorrow I have a Japanese term test (I've already studied 4hrs and I think I'm going to go insane if I try to do more tonight). Tuesday I have an English essay (Major British Writers) due, which I'm going to have to write tomorrow after class. I have a pretty solid outline, so hopefully the time pressure will help me to overcome the writer's block I suffered this weekend so I can write the thing quickly. Then Thursday I have TEN PAGE English essay (Romantic poetry and prose) due. This is probably the worst thing since I can't think of anything to write about, much less for a TEN PAGE essay. ^^;; Then after I've handed that in, I'm going to have to write another ten page essay for Japanese history for Friday. At least this one I pretty much know what I want to write about, but the trick is, my research has basically been skimming, so it's going to take me a while to find the specific quotes I need for my paper. @_@ My goal is to get the Jap paper done by 2am Friday so I can go to work on Friday (and ask one of my suitemates to hand in the paper for me) and help my mom out, since it's her month end.
Yeah, I know I brought this on myself, but I would still really appreciate your prayers. I don't know how I'm going to survive the stress. Plus I'm probably not going to be eating or sleeping very well, so there's always the chance that I'll end up making myself sick. ^^;; That's what happened at the end of last term: right after exams I got sick and I didn't recover until Christmas Eve. Anyway, I'm going to try to relax now so that I can actually get a good night's sleep tonight at least.
Sorry, this isn't going to be a real post. As the title suggests, this is just going to be a prayer request. I've really messed up this time, and as a result this week is going to be absolutely killer for me.
Tomorrow I have a Japanese term test (I've already studied 4hrs and I think I'm going to go insane if I try to do more tonight). Tuesday I have an English essay (Major British Writers) due, which I'm going to have to write tomorrow after class. I have a pretty solid outline, so hopefully the time pressure will help me to overcome the writer's block I suffered this weekend so I can write the thing quickly. Then Thursday I have TEN PAGE English essay (Romantic poetry and prose) due. This is probably the worst thing since I can't think of anything to write about, much less for a TEN PAGE essay. ^^;; Then after I've handed that in, I'm going to have to write another ten page essay for Japanese history for Friday. At least this one I pretty much know what I want to write about, but the trick is, my research has basically been skimming, so it's going to take me a while to find the specific quotes I need for my paper. @_@ My goal is to get the Jap paper done by 2am Friday so I can go to work on Friday (and ask one of my suitemates to hand in the paper for me) and help my mom out, since it's her month end.
Yeah, I know I brought this on myself, but I would still really appreciate your prayers. I don't know how I'm going to survive the stress. Plus I'm probably not going to be eating or sleeping very well, so there's always the chance that I'll end up making myself sick. ^^;; That's what happened at the end of last term: right after exams I got sick and I didn't recover until Christmas Eve. Anyway, I'm going to try to relax now so that I can actually get a good night's sleep tonight at least.
Friday, March 21, 2003
Anime
Hisashiburi, ne? It's been a while, hasn't it? ^^;; I can't say anything except that my blog has been an accurate reflection of my devotional life of late, which isn't good. Right now I'm just holding onto the fact that once again the fact that I feel compelled to explain here means that this blog is indeed holding me accountable to some degree.
Anyway, I'll admit that I haven't been distracted by school work or anything significant so much as I've been bogged down by general apathy. I've been spending a lot of time on anime and hockey, which isn't to say that either anime or hockey is at fault, but just that they're what I've been filling my time with. Honestly, even if I wasn't into anime or hockey, I'd find a way to "waste" time.
Actually anime is the thing that's caused me to think the most about God recently. I've been re-reading the Hikaru no Go manga (just finished yesterday) and watching the anime (follows the story almost to the letter) and the characters of Touya Akira and Shindou Hikaru have really struck me. I won't get into the details, but a big part of the story and their characters is that they both "chase after" a goal with their "whole heart." Maybe it's because it's the second and third time going through the story, but it only just hit me that the way they chase after their goals is the way I should be chasing after God.
It's hard to explain, and I did say that I wouldn't get into the details, but basically once they decided to go for their goals, they threw everything into their pursuits and never stopped reaching and striving, despite the obstacles and discouragements they faced along the way. Really, their determination and passion is palpable, even though they're mere characters on a screen.
Even though I consider myself an anime and hockey fan, or fanatic, I couldn't say that my passion is anywhere near equal to theirs. Of course, they have an advantage because they are just characters, but watching and reading HnG has really stirred in my heart the desire to "chase after" God with all my might.
Obviously this desire still hasn't translated into action yet, but I'm still thankful that HnG planted that seed of zeal within me to begin with. Now might not be the right time, but with a little care, that seed might burst into an amazing tree someday, if you'll excuse the trite metaphor.
Hisashiburi, ne? It's been a while, hasn't it? ^^;; I can't say anything except that my blog has been an accurate reflection of my devotional life of late, which isn't good. Right now I'm just holding onto the fact that once again the fact that I feel compelled to explain here means that this blog is indeed holding me accountable to some degree.
Anyway, I'll admit that I haven't been distracted by school work or anything significant so much as I've been bogged down by general apathy. I've been spending a lot of time on anime and hockey, which isn't to say that either anime or hockey is at fault, but just that they're what I've been filling my time with. Honestly, even if I wasn't into anime or hockey, I'd find a way to "waste" time.
Actually anime is the thing that's caused me to think the most about God recently. I've been re-reading the Hikaru no Go manga (just finished yesterday) and watching the anime (follows the story almost to the letter) and the characters of Touya Akira and Shindou Hikaru have really struck me. I won't get into the details, but a big part of the story and their characters is that they both "chase after" a goal with their "whole heart." Maybe it's because it's the second and third time going through the story, but it only just hit me that the way they chase after their goals is the way I should be chasing after God.
It's hard to explain, and I did say that I wouldn't get into the details, but basically once they decided to go for their goals, they threw everything into their pursuits and never stopped reaching and striving, despite the obstacles and discouragements they faced along the way. Really, their determination and passion is palpable, even though they're mere characters on a screen.
Even though I consider myself an anime and hockey fan, or fanatic, I couldn't say that my passion is anywhere near equal to theirs. Of course, they have an advantage because they are just characters, but watching and reading HnG has really stirred in my heart the desire to "chase after" God with all my might.
Obviously this desire still hasn't translated into action yet, but I'm still thankful that HnG planted that seed of zeal within me to begin with. Now might not be the right time, but with a little care, that seed might burst into an amazing tree someday, if you'll excuse the trite metaphor.
Saturday, March 08, 2003
Because He First Loved
We always talk about how we should love others because Jesus first loved us, but it was only recently when I was talking to my friend L. that this idea struck me in a real way. She told me that I inspired her to be a kinder person. I was totally humbled, and when I thought about it, I realized that the feeling was reciprocal. Her friendship makes me want to become a better, kinder person--a person more worthy of all the love and friendship she's shown me. Geh. That's not a very good explanation.
Anyway, this feeling doesn't just apply to her either. Recently I've become truly aware of how blessed and loved I am. I have friends who care enought to think of me and send me postcards or buy me presents when they go on vacation; to make an effort to take their lunch break with me downtown every once and a while; to make sure I know about the McDonald's hockey mini-jersey promotion; who ask their parents to get me the jersey only available in Vancouver so I can complete my collection; to try to set me up with guys who'd be "perfect" for me; to do so many big and small things to show that they care that I can't even begin to describe them all!
My family too is something I've been trying not to take for granted lately. My parents encourage and support me in all my interests and passions. They don't mind opening our house to my friends, and go beyond that to be warmly hospitable. My brother went to buy anime stuff for me on the very first day of his trip to Vancouver, probably not even that long after he had landed! He spends time with me watching anime and talking.
The influence of all this love is incalculable. It's only now that I realize that being so loved by my family and friends has made me strive to become a more loving person myself. And that's exactly the way it should be with God too. He has given us mercy, grace, love, and abundant blessings, and if I can only begin to realize the fullness of his love, then I cannot help but be compelled to pass that mercy, grace, love and blessing onto others. I say "if" because I know that so far I haven't really gotten it yet. Sure I give thanks every once and a while, but I haven't realized his love the way I've realized the love of my friends and family yet. If I had, I think I'd be a much more loving and kind person than I currently am. But at any rate, now I truly understand how the whole "because he first loved us" logic works.
We always talk about how we should love others because Jesus first loved us, but it was only recently when I was talking to my friend L. that this idea struck me in a real way. She told me that I inspired her to be a kinder person. I was totally humbled, and when I thought about it, I realized that the feeling was reciprocal. Her friendship makes me want to become a better, kinder person--a person more worthy of all the love and friendship she's shown me. Geh. That's not a very good explanation.
Anyway, this feeling doesn't just apply to her either. Recently I've become truly aware of how blessed and loved I am. I have friends who care enought to think of me and send me postcards or buy me presents when they go on vacation; to make an effort to take their lunch break with me downtown every once and a while; to make sure I know about the McDonald's hockey mini-jersey promotion; who ask their parents to get me the jersey only available in Vancouver so I can complete my collection; to try to set me up with guys who'd be "perfect" for me; to do so many big and small things to show that they care that I can't even begin to describe them all!
My family too is something I've been trying not to take for granted lately. My parents encourage and support me in all my interests and passions. They don't mind opening our house to my friends, and go beyond that to be warmly hospitable. My brother went to buy anime stuff for me on the very first day of his trip to Vancouver, probably not even that long after he had landed! He spends time with me watching anime and talking.
The influence of all this love is incalculable. It's only now that I realize that being so loved by my family and friends has made me strive to become a more loving person myself. And that's exactly the way it should be with God too. He has given us mercy, grace, love, and abundant blessings, and if I can only begin to realize the fullness of his love, then I cannot help but be compelled to pass that mercy, grace, love and blessing onto others. I say "if" because I know that so far I haven't really gotten it yet. Sure I give thanks every once and a while, but I haven't realized his love the way I've realized the love of my friends and family yet. If I had, I think I'd be a much more loving and kind person than I currently am. But at any rate, now I truly understand how the whole "because he first loved us" logic works.
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Earth as a Shadow
I know I said I'd try to take two days per chapter, but I forgot today and just went on ahead to chapter eight, so...
At any rate, I was struck by verse 5: "They serve at a sanctuary that is a copy and shadow of what is in heaven". It really struck me because today I was just thinking that I need to spend more time thinking about my actions in relation to God in heaven, rather than their consequences here on earth.
Specifically, I was thinking about my habit of falling asleep in class. I always feel guilty when I don't stay awake because it's so disrespectful to professors, but even though I try to get more sleep, or keep myself awake by eating in class, this year I haven't been very sucessful in fending of sleep. Then I remembered a discussion we had in the Applying the Message class about thinking about every choice that we make in terms of God's greater purpose.
It's a bit confusing, and I'm not even sure I've got it completely worked out in my own head, but basically I thought that if I could try to think of God's perspective on falling asleep in class, maybe I would feel more motivated to keep myself awake than I am just by not wanting to be disrespectful of my profs.
In a roundabout way I guess I'm saying that I've been realizing that thinking about earthly consequences and doing things for earthly reasons (like material gain) isn't enough, I have to remember that my real home will be in heaven and act accordingly. (^^;) Sorry if that didn't make any sense!
I know I said I'd try to take two days per chapter, but I forgot today and just went on ahead to chapter eight, so...
At any rate, I was struck by verse 5: "They serve at a sanctuary that is a copy and shadow of what is in heaven". It really struck me because today I was just thinking that I need to spend more time thinking about my actions in relation to God in heaven, rather than their consequences here on earth.
Specifically, I was thinking about my habit of falling asleep in class. I always feel guilty when I don't stay awake because it's so disrespectful to professors, but even though I try to get more sleep, or keep myself awake by eating in class, this year I haven't been very sucessful in fending of sleep. Then I remembered a discussion we had in the Applying the Message class about thinking about every choice that we make in terms of God's greater purpose.
It's a bit confusing, and I'm not even sure I've got it completely worked out in my own head, but basically I thought that if I could try to think of God's perspective on falling asleep in class, maybe I would feel more motivated to keep myself awake than I am just by not wanting to be disrespectful of my profs.
In a roundabout way I guess I'm saying that I've been realizing that thinking about earthly consequences and doing things for earthly reasons (like material gain) isn't enough, I have to remember that my real home will be in heaven and act accordingly. (^^;) Sorry if that didn't make any sense!
Monday, March 03, 2003
Hebrews Is...
...a very confusing book so far. I'd say it's even more confusing than Ecclesiastes. At least with Ecclesiastes I understood the content, if not the complete significance of the book, but with Hebrews, I'm even having troubles with the content!
Chapter seven explains the history of Melchizedek the priest, whom Jesus is compared to in the earlier chapters. That's fairly straightforward, but it's the explanation of the Melchizedek-Jesus simile that I don't fully understand. I get that they're alike in that they were ordained priests even without coming from the bloodline of priests (Levites), but apart from that, I have no clue.
(-_-;) If the rest of Hebrews is as incomprehensible to me as these first few chapters, I suspect that I'm not going to enter the Hebrews class any more prepared than I would have been without reading it. Ah well. Guess this just means I need to slow down a bit and spend more time trying to understand each chapter. Maybe I should spend two days, instead of one, on each chapter?
...a very confusing book so far. I'd say it's even more confusing than Ecclesiastes. At least with Ecclesiastes I understood the content, if not the complete significance of the book, but with Hebrews, I'm even having troubles with the content!
Chapter seven explains the history of Melchizedek the priest, whom Jesus is compared to in the earlier chapters. That's fairly straightforward, but it's the explanation of the Melchizedek-Jesus simile that I don't fully understand. I get that they're alike in that they were ordained priests even without coming from the bloodline of priests (Levites), but apart from that, I have no clue.
(-_-;) If the rest of Hebrews is as incomprehensible to me as these first few chapters, I suspect that I'm not going to enter the Hebrews class any more prepared than I would have been without reading it. Ah well. Guess this just means I need to slow down a bit and spend more time trying to understand each chapter. Maybe I should spend two days, instead of one, on each chapter?
Sunday, March 02, 2003
Amazing
Today we had a "lounge party"; it was a time to relax, have food, and to share and reflect upon the past term of lifelong learning classes. It was really special today because someone from my class, Applying the Message, shared that as a result of the class, he decided to accept Christ.
I remember when he first came to the class, he was very honest in saying that he wasn't yet a Christian, but wanted to know more about God and Jesus. We generally started classes by going around the table and saying what we found interesting about the message, but at first he always passed, saying that he would rather listen to us. Now that I think of it, I don't remember when exactly it happened, but at some point he started contributing to that opening discussion, and he became a lot more open about sharing his thoughts and asking questions too.
It's amazing, but God was working and I didn't even really notice it, except to be grateful for his questions in that they really challenged me to think about my faith. I feel really blessed to have been a small part of the class in which someone came to accept Christ. Since I have a hard time talking one on one with people, sharing my testimony and more directly evangelizing, i guess I'd started to think that God wouldn't be able to work in me until I went out on a mission trip to develop those skills.
But God is God; he doesn't need me to be strong or skilled or talented to work through me. Even in such a small thing as encouraging me to speak truthfully and from the heart in Sunday, God was able to use that little bit to help to bring someone to himself. God really is amazing.
Today we had a "lounge party"; it was a time to relax, have food, and to share and reflect upon the past term of lifelong learning classes. It was really special today because someone from my class, Applying the Message, shared that as a result of the class, he decided to accept Christ.
I remember when he first came to the class, he was very honest in saying that he wasn't yet a Christian, but wanted to know more about God and Jesus. We generally started classes by going around the table and saying what we found interesting about the message, but at first he always passed, saying that he would rather listen to us. Now that I think of it, I don't remember when exactly it happened, but at some point he started contributing to that opening discussion, and he became a lot more open about sharing his thoughts and asking questions too.
It's amazing, but God was working and I didn't even really notice it, except to be grateful for his questions in that they really challenged me to think about my faith. I feel really blessed to have been a small part of the class in which someone came to accept Christ. Since I have a hard time talking one on one with people, sharing my testimony and more directly evangelizing, i guess I'd started to think that God wouldn't be able to work in me until I went out on a mission trip to develop those skills.
But God is God; he doesn't need me to be strong or skilled or talented to work through me. Even in such a small thing as encouraging me to speak truthfully and from the heart in Sunday, God was able to use that little bit to help to bring someone to himself. God really is amazing.
Saturday, March 01, 2003
Down the Wrong Path
I don't know what's been going on in my life lately, but I do know that, contrary to the goals I laid out for this blog, I haven't been looking very hard for God in my life. This is probably one of those times that Screwtape would describe as a trough in my life.
Even though I made the decision to go on the short term mission (with the full support of my family) and planning for softball this summer has been going well, I feel very disconnected from God. I guess that my recent neglect of devos has been both a cause and a symptom of my detachment. My prayer life has always been rather spotty, so that hasn't really worsened or improved.
At this time I suppose it's helpful for me to recall that extended race metaphor which I outlined at one point. Surely I'm going in the wrong direction right now, but I have to force myself to keep moving, because otherwise there's no way that God will be able to lead me back onto the right path. It's not much, but I did read Hebrews five today.
I don't know what's been going on in my life lately, but I do know that, contrary to the goals I laid out for this blog, I haven't been looking very hard for God in my life. This is probably one of those times that Screwtape would describe as a trough in my life.
Even though I made the decision to go on the short term mission (with the full support of my family) and planning for softball this summer has been going well, I feel very disconnected from God. I guess that my recent neglect of devos has been both a cause and a symptom of my detachment. My prayer life has always been rather spotty, so that hasn't really worsened or improved.
At this time I suppose it's helpful for me to recall that extended race metaphor which I outlined at one point. Surely I'm going in the wrong direction right now, but I have to force myself to keep moving, because otherwise there's no way that God will be able to lead me back onto the right path. It's not much, but I did read Hebrews five today.
