Sunday, February 19, 2006
Potentially Bitter/Resentful
I haven't updated this site in a long time, and I don't have any real reasons/excuses. But I do really feel the need to vent now. It may be premature, but since the feelings have already started (whether they're necessary or not), I might as well start working through them now.
My long-anticipated meeting with Kaberle (March 5 at Frozen Pond) may be in jeopardy thanks to the stupid snow storms in Barrie/Orillia this weekend.
The WAY winter retreat was scheduled for this weekend, but since we had to pass Barrie to get there, and the OPP was issuing travel warnings to avoid driving to that area, we ended up having to cancel the retreat. We were lucky enough to be able to re-book the site, but the re-scheduled dates are March 3-5!!! And if there aren't enough counselors on the trip (this time we would've had 6, but now we're down to 4 maximum, with two of them unconfirmed and the only other confirmed counselor also needing to get back early) so it might not be possible for me to go!!
I don't know if I'm sad, upset or pissed off at this turn of events. Actually, I may be feeling a little bitter. It wasn't completely our (the counselors') decision to cancel the trip this time, so I'm feeling rather resentful that I may now have to sacrifice this event that I've been anticipating since NOVEMBER for a decision that I didn't even make.
Not to mention, there were some things that happened this weekend with the WAY kids that made me feel really disappointed in them and feeling like I'm a total failure as a counselor. And I guess all the struggles I've been having with realizing that I'm really not cut out to be a high school counselor--my pathetic lack of organization skills and unwillingness to lower expectations being key factors--have tied into this as well.
Don't get me wrong, I love the kids, and there were a lot of great things this weekend that made me glad I'm a counselor, but there have definitely been times when I've resented all the time and energy I put into the WAY. And the chance that I may have to miss the Kaberle signing has resurrected all those negative emotions. *sigh* Of course, all these feelings may be completely unnecessary since if we have enough counselors to stay with the kids on Sunday, I should be able to come back early for the signing, but the way things have been going...
And I can't help but feel guilty about feeling this way. I mean, I'm supposed to be serving God as a counselor, so isn't it wrong for me to resent doing so? If I was serving wholeheartedly, shouldn't I be glad to choose the WAY over hockey/Kaberle? But is it really so wrong of me? I mean, this is something I've been anticipating and planning for for the past four months, it's not like it's just another hockey game or something...
I don't know, really.
I haven't updated this site in a long time, and I don't have any real reasons/excuses. But I do really feel the need to vent now. It may be premature, but since the feelings have already started (whether they're necessary or not), I might as well start working through them now.
My long-anticipated meeting with Kaberle (March 5 at Frozen Pond) may be in jeopardy thanks to the stupid snow storms in Barrie/Orillia this weekend.
The WAY winter retreat was scheduled for this weekend, but since we had to pass Barrie to get there, and the OPP was issuing travel warnings to avoid driving to that area, we ended up having to cancel the retreat. We were lucky enough to be able to re-book the site, but the re-scheduled dates are March 3-5!!! And if there aren't enough counselors on the trip (this time we would've had 6, but now we're down to 4 maximum, with two of them unconfirmed and the only other confirmed counselor also needing to get back early) so it might not be possible for me to go!!
I don't know if I'm sad, upset or pissed off at this turn of events. Actually, I may be feeling a little bitter. It wasn't completely our (the counselors') decision to cancel the trip this time, so I'm feeling rather resentful that I may now have to sacrifice this event that I've been anticipating since NOVEMBER for a decision that I didn't even make.
Not to mention, there were some things that happened this weekend with the WAY kids that made me feel really disappointed in them and feeling like I'm a total failure as a counselor. And I guess all the struggles I've been having with realizing that I'm really not cut out to be a high school counselor--my pathetic lack of organization skills and unwillingness to lower expectations being key factors--have tied into this as well.
Don't get me wrong, I love the kids, and there were a lot of great things this weekend that made me glad I'm a counselor, but there have definitely been times when I've resented all the time and energy I put into the WAY. And the chance that I may have to miss the Kaberle signing has resurrected all those negative emotions. *sigh* Of course, all these feelings may be completely unnecessary since if we have enough counselors to stay with the kids on Sunday, I should be able to come back early for the signing, but the way things have been going...
And I can't help but feel guilty about feeling this way. I mean, I'm supposed to be serving God as a counselor, so isn't it wrong for me to resent doing so? If I was serving wholeheartedly, shouldn't I be glad to choose the WAY over hockey/Kaberle? But is it really so wrong of me? I mean, this is something I've been anticipating and planning for for the past four months, it's not like it's just another hockey game or something...
I don't know, really.
