~ Being Real ~

Right after I found out that I had been accepted into OISE/UT (Ontario Institute for Studies in Education of the University of Toronto) on Monday, I spent about an hour and a half emailing just about everyone I could think of to tell them the good news, I was so happy. Not only that, but I was so jazzed about it that I was easily able to stay up until 3am reading Chaucer (in preparation for my term test today). The next day, I was still pretty energetic, despite the lack of sleep. I also bought a cake to bring into the English department (at Woodlands) to thank all the teachers for their time, advice, encouragement, etc. Even today I was telling classmates, in almost every class, that I got accepted.

Thinking about my response to that good news, I started to wonder, why am I not just as excited about "the good news"? Is it because I don't appreciate it as much, or because I don't think that the people I tell will appreciate it? Because really, there're two parts to sharing good news: wanting to tell others and believing that others will be able to share in or appreciate your happiness.

So yes, I think I realized that I find it difficult to share the love of Jesus with others mostly because I don't think that they'd be able to appreciate the joy in "the good news," but also partially because I sort of take it for granted. Things that are anticipated and hoped for but not necessarily expected, when they come, bring forth that easy, effervescent happiness, but once you've lived with the knowledge for a while, you naturally lose that type of immediate, bubbling joy.

So what can I do to regain some of that joy?

Another thing that came up as a result of my acceptance into teachers' college is that I rediscovered my malicious side. Not that it's a good thing, of course, but I suppose there's value in being aware of that side of myself--hopefully "knowing is half the battle." See, there's this guy in my 18th Century Literature class who was also in my Enlightenment Europe class last year. He's the annoying type who you hear as soon as he walks into the room. And both this year and last he's been talking about how he's definitely getting into teacher's college at U of T because he's got such great experience and everything. I don't normally have anything against confidence, but there's just something about his voice/tone, especially when he's saying stuff like that, that totally irks me.

Anyway, today I heard him mention that he's waiting to hear from teachers' college, but apparently Etobicoke isn't getting any mail from U of T (or something like that), so I figured that he didn't get accepted. Now, here's where the malicious part comes: I made it a point to mention to my classmate (whom I don't know that well, but generally make small talk with before and after class) that I was feeling relieved because I was finished with Chaucer and because I got accepted into teachers' college at U of T and York. I didn't say it in an overly loud voice or anything, but it was a completely deliberate jab at that guy on my part. I wanted him to know that I already had my acceptance letter(s) while he didn't. Even though it could easily pass as a careless comment, I know that I didn't mean it as such. And I feel horribly ashamed that I indulged in such an act of casual cruelty.