Thursday, February 10, 2005
Self-Plagiarism
For reasons that will become clear by the end of the post, I'm going to plagiarize myself by posting most of my MCBCSL committee accountability email for today's update:
I think that God is really showing me what a risk-avoidance life I lead, because when the theme of the WAY winter retreat is "Getting out of your comfort zone," and while I was going over the retreat Bible study with the Bible study leaders on Sunday, I kind of had a re-revelation (something I've realized before, but haven't really thought or done anything about since the original revelation). We were talking about ou how we avoid risks and I realized that my procrastination with school work is part of a strategy to avoid the risk of disappointment.
See, if I do things last minute and put in 100% effort into my assignments, I have an excuse if I don't do well. I'm afraid to put everything I have into my work because what if I go all out and it still gets a bad mark? So by giving myself an excuse to lower my expectations, I avoid disappointment. I guess what I realized on Sunday is that not only am I selling myself short in school, but this attitude also extends to other areas of my life; I don't like to make commitments because I'm afraid to disappoint others, and when I do commit to things, I still hold myself back to protect myself from disappointment/hurt.
But even recognizing all this, I'm not sure what to do or where to go from here. I mean, right now I'm actually taking a break from writing a paper that's due TOMORROW to write this. Obviously understanding my reasons for procrastinating hasn't really helped me to stop doing it. ^^;;
So yeah, I guess you can pray for me to stop procrastinating so much, and also to be more courageous and trusting in God. I think the last time I really let go of my fears to listen to God was when I went to Grenada, and that was like two years ago. *sigh* I'm definitely feeling like not only have I not grown, I've also backslid.
And I guess maybe part of that is my personal devos. I haven't done them since a few days after New Year's, except for at JOY retreat, and I guess that shows that I still don't really believe in the necessity of them, because if I really thought they were important, I would be making more of an effort to do them!
For reasons that will become clear by the end of the post, I'm going to plagiarize myself by posting most of my MCBCSL committee accountability email for today's update:
I think that God is really showing me what a risk-avoidance life I lead, because when the theme of the WAY winter retreat is "Getting out of your comfort zone," and while I was going over the retreat Bible study with the Bible study leaders on Sunday, I kind of had a re-revelation (something I've realized before, but haven't really thought or done anything about since the original revelation). We were talking about ou how we avoid risks and I realized that my procrastination with school work is part of a strategy to avoid the risk of disappointment.
See, if I do things last minute and put in 100% effort into my assignments, I have an excuse if I don't do well. I'm afraid to put everything I have into my work because what if I go all out and it still gets a bad mark? So by giving myself an excuse to lower my expectations, I avoid disappointment. I guess what I realized on Sunday is that not only am I selling myself short in school, but this attitude also extends to other areas of my life; I don't like to make commitments because I'm afraid to disappoint others, and when I do commit to things, I still hold myself back to protect myself from disappointment/hurt.
But even recognizing all this, I'm not sure what to do or where to go from here. I mean, right now I'm actually taking a break from writing a paper that's due TOMORROW to write this. Obviously understanding my reasons for procrastinating hasn't really helped me to stop doing it. ^^;;
So yeah, I guess you can pray for me to stop procrastinating so much, and also to be more courageous and trusting in God. I think the last time I really let go of my fears to listen to God was when I went to Grenada, and that was like two years ago. *sigh* I'm definitely feeling like not only have I not grown, I've also backslid.
And I guess maybe part of that is my personal devos. I haven't done them since a few days after New Year's, except for at JOY retreat, and I guess that shows that I still don't really believe in the necessity of them, because if I really thought they were important, I would be making more of an effort to do them!
