Sunday, January 09, 2005
Searching for Home
Today's message gave me a lot to think about re: my last post. I don't know why exactly, because I think I've thought about what the pastor said before, but it just hit me today (it probably helped that I stayed awake during the message! ^^;;).
When he talked about us, as humans, all wandering, trying to find home, I figured that's exactly what my whole ball of insecurities/loneliness/isolation is about: I'm trying to find home in friends, specifically MCBC friends, instead of God.
And even though I've really always known that's what I'm doing (all my worries about God's love not being enough are basically related to that), and I didn't figure out any solution to the problem, the message comforted me in a way. I guess it reminded me that, right or wrong, people are always looking for home in different places. So even though the problem's the same, it made me feel less alone and less guilty about it.
I think Sharon once mentioned to me the "orphan syndrome" in the context of suffering--how we all feel like we're orphaned and alone in our difficulties, and how that makes everything feel so much worse. So I guess that's what today's message did for me--reminded me that I'm not an orphan, and that wanting to find a place of belonging and security is part of the human condition, so I don't need to feel like some sort of emotionally deranged weirdo.
Syv's call from the airport yesterday, talking with Brenda about meeting up for lunch sometime, Grace's presents from Japan, and lunch with Jen and Justin today also went quite a ways towards reminding me that people do care. Although it might've seemed that way from the post, I don't really think it's anyone else's fault but my own that I feel excluded/lonely sometimes. I might not be the most outgoing person, but I do have good friends who do care, and it's mostly my insecurity that tells me otherwise. I don't know, I just feel better able to deal with my insecurities today, and hopefully I'll find a way, through God, to continue to deal with them.
Today's message gave me a lot to think about re: my last post. I don't know why exactly, because I think I've thought about what the pastor said before, but it just hit me today (it probably helped that I stayed awake during the message! ^^;;).
When he talked about us, as humans, all wandering, trying to find home, I figured that's exactly what my whole ball of insecurities/loneliness/isolation is about: I'm trying to find home in friends, specifically MCBC friends, instead of God.
And even though I've really always known that's what I'm doing (all my worries about God's love not being enough are basically related to that), and I didn't figure out any solution to the problem, the message comforted me in a way. I guess it reminded me that, right or wrong, people are always looking for home in different places. So even though the problem's the same, it made me feel less alone and less guilty about it.
I think Sharon once mentioned to me the "orphan syndrome" in the context of suffering--how we all feel like we're orphaned and alone in our difficulties, and how that makes everything feel so much worse. So I guess that's what today's message did for me--reminded me that I'm not an orphan, and that wanting to find a place of belonging and security is part of the human condition, so I don't need to feel like some sort of emotionally deranged weirdo.
Syv's call from the airport yesterday, talking with Brenda about meeting up for lunch sometime, Grace's presents from Japan, and lunch with Jen and Justin today also went quite a ways towards reminding me that people do care. Although it might've seemed that way from the post, I don't really think it's anyone else's fault but my own that I feel excluded/lonely sometimes. I might not be the most outgoing person, but I do have good friends who do care, and it's mostly my insecurity that tells me otherwise. I don't know, I just feel better able to deal with my insecurities today, and hopefully I'll find a way, through God, to continue to deal with them.
