Monday, March 01, 2004
Truth in Lie
Satan's best lie is probably that we are alone and unloved. I guess I've acknowledged it as a lie for a long time, but I've never, and still haven't, been able to really get myself to think otherwise. Looking back I can't pinpoint when I began to feel this way, but I know that from junior high on I've had a really hard time accepting and believing in people's love, and still do.
A friend recently wrote this in an email: "It speaks to the fact that one of my best friends, a family friend, is no longer someone who I can talk to about anything other than, well, hockey." Apart from the guilt that I felt in my own selfishness and self-centredness in not seeing beyond my own difficulties, I was absolutely floored by the phrase "one of my best friends." I couldn't believe it; I wanted to reply and ask if that phrase could possibly refer to me. I didn't because my mind told me logically it did, and I didn't want to appear completely stupid. Truth is, I think I'm scared to believe it.
In most of my relationships I've never managed to erase that seed of doubt, never been able to stop thinking of myself as a mere friend of convenience, circumstances, similar interests, or sometimes even as a "project". And that little distance I reserve for myself, the belief that I'm not that important to a person is a great excuse. As lonely as it is, in some ways it's easier to believe that I don't mean much to people because if that's true, it won't matter as much when I let them down. I suck at being a friend. I get jealous and hurt easily, and distance myself. I'm self-centred and self-absorbed, and I don't make enough of an effort to keep up with people, to love them or to look after their needs.
I've always consoled myself with the fact that as far as I've fallen, as down and depressed as I've felt, I've never doubted God's love for me. But now I wonder. Oh, not at God's love, but my belief in it. Could I really feel as forlorn and alone if I believed that God loves me as much as he does? It seems rather improbable, and I only wonder how I managed to delude myself for so long. Geez. Two weeks ago in Denver I really thought I was ready to trust God enough to put him first, but now, I realize that I haven't been able to trust in him in the most important aspect, to trust in his love for me?
Ah, and I guess I should put one qualification on everything I've written in this post, there is one friendship in which I have complete faith in both her and me, and I thank God for his grace and blessing in bringing us together. It's funny that the friend I've never seen or spoken to in person, the friend who doesn't even live in the same country as me, the friend that I might not write to (email or snail mail) for months on end, the friend who might not write to me for months on end should be the friend about whom I've never harboured any doubts. Wondered yes, at the strength of our friendship, the miracle of it, but never doubted. Thank God for that--maybe it's even a starting point.
I'm sorry if I've hurt any of you, my friends, with my lack of faith in you. But please don't worry, don't try to think of the right things to do or say to get your love through to me. It's something I have to work through, and the solution can only come from me and God.
Right now I'm wishing that I hadn't posted this, that I'd kept my thoughts confined to myself and my journal, but God convicted me of the need to write this here. I couldn't ignore the prodding, even though the computer was already off and I had been attempting to fall asleep. Well, at least I don't really have any way of knowing if anyone's even read this if I don't get any comments on it, so hopefully I won't feel awkward seeing anyone in person having said what I have.
Heh, and I suppose that's good incentive for me to be more regular with posting here, since the more posts I put up afterwards, the faster this'll be relegated to the archives and the less chance there will be of anyone reading this. It's a very strange thing that I should feel compelled to post things on the internet which I don't particularly want people to actually read.
Satan's best lie is probably that we are alone and unloved. I guess I've acknowledged it as a lie for a long time, but I've never, and still haven't, been able to really get myself to think otherwise. Looking back I can't pinpoint when I began to feel this way, but I know that from junior high on I've had a really hard time accepting and believing in people's love, and still do.
A friend recently wrote this in an email: "It speaks to the fact that one of my best friends, a family friend, is no longer someone who I can talk to about anything other than, well, hockey." Apart from the guilt that I felt in my own selfishness and self-centredness in not seeing beyond my own difficulties, I was absolutely floored by the phrase "one of my best friends." I couldn't believe it; I wanted to reply and ask if that phrase could possibly refer to me. I didn't because my mind told me logically it did, and I didn't want to appear completely stupid. Truth is, I think I'm scared to believe it.
In most of my relationships I've never managed to erase that seed of doubt, never been able to stop thinking of myself as a mere friend of convenience, circumstances, similar interests, or sometimes even as a "project". And that little distance I reserve for myself, the belief that I'm not that important to a person is a great excuse. As lonely as it is, in some ways it's easier to believe that I don't mean much to people because if that's true, it won't matter as much when I let them down. I suck at being a friend. I get jealous and hurt easily, and distance myself. I'm self-centred and self-absorbed, and I don't make enough of an effort to keep up with people, to love them or to look after their needs.
I've always consoled myself with the fact that as far as I've fallen, as down and depressed as I've felt, I've never doubted God's love for me. But now I wonder. Oh, not at God's love, but my belief in it. Could I really feel as forlorn and alone if I believed that God loves me as much as he does? It seems rather improbable, and I only wonder how I managed to delude myself for so long. Geez. Two weeks ago in Denver I really thought I was ready to trust God enough to put him first, but now, I realize that I haven't been able to trust in him in the most important aspect, to trust in his love for me?
Ah, and I guess I should put one qualification on everything I've written in this post, there is one friendship in which I have complete faith in both her and me, and I thank God for his grace and blessing in bringing us together. It's funny that the friend I've never seen or spoken to in person, the friend who doesn't even live in the same country as me, the friend that I might not write to (email or snail mail) for months on end, the friend who might not write to me for months on end should be the friend about whom I've never harboured any doubts. Wondered yes, at the strength of our friendship, the miracle of it, but never doubted. Thank God for that--maybe it's even a starting point.
I'm sorry if I've hurt any of you, my friends, with my lack of faith in you. But please don't worry, don't try to think of the right things to do or say to get your love through to me. It's something I have to work through, and the solution can only come from me and God.
Right now I'm wishing that I hadn't posted this, that I'd kept my thoughts confined to myself and my journal, but God convicted me of the need to write this here. I couldn't ignore the prodding, even though the computer was already off and I had been attempting to fall asleep. Well, at least I don't really have any way of knowing if anyone's even read this if I don't get any comments on it, so hopefully I won't feel awkward seeing anyone in person having said what I have.
Heh, and I suppose that's good incentive for me to be more regular with posting here, since the more posts I put up afterwards, the faster this'll be relegated to the archives and the less chance there will be of anyone reading this. It's a very strange thing that I should feel compelled to post things on the internet which I don't particularly want people to actually read.
