Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Off Already
Well, it's been all of three days maybe, and I've already missed a post. *sigh* Oh well, not much I can say about that, since I didn't forget. After studying for my Tale of Genji quiz, I was tired, stressed, and freaked out (from feeling woefully unprepared) so I decided I should just go to sleep and at least try to be well-rested before the quiz.
Anyway, since I have two quizzes today (Tale of Genji is done, but I still have my English one left to go), my prayers last night AND today were much more emotional than usual. At first I was going to say heartfelt, or genuine, but I think that would've given the wrong impression. I really mean what I pray for, but a lot of times it feels kind of stilted, you know? Maybe it's because I tend to pray for the same things over and over, so it gets repetitive, or something, I don't know.
At any rate, my prayers about these quizzes have been pretty desperate. It's weird, because usually I take quizzes and stuff in stride. If I haven't studied enough, well, it's only natural that I'll do poorly--all very philosophical. But yes, these two quizzes, for some reason have really freaked me out and I've been praying for a miracle, basically. That somehow, despite my lack of preparation, the tiredness of my brain, and my inability to write a decent essay in a short and specified period of time, I will end up with decent marks on these quizzes. I'm not expecting or asking for A's or anything, I just don't want to fail or do poorly enough to bring down my entire mark.
But I'm still feeling panicked. Very panicked, actually. It makes me wonder if I've changed so much that the simple prayers that used to calm my pre-test/quiz worries in high school no longer work? Are there things in my life now that weren't there before that are preventing me from asking and receiving God's comfort? Is it even all that important that I find out, or am I just trying to avoid the fact that I didn't study enough?
Sorry, this is a very disjointed post. I doubt this would even make sense to me if I read it over again. I guess one thing this does is it gives a more honest expression of myself. I always try to sound/act put together--even in my rambling/raving blogs I try to have some sort of coherence and flow. I guess that's one side of me, true enough, but...
Ah, something just popped into my mind, a passage from The Lives of Girls and Women by Alice Munro, one of the books that will be covered in my quiz today:
"If you prayed for Major not to get shot would he not get shot?" said Owen in a demanding voice.
The thought of praying had never crossed my mind.
"You prayed you wouldn't have to thread the sewing machine anymore and you didn't."
I saw with dismay the unavoidable collision coming of religion and life.
He got up and stood in front of me and said tersely, "Pray. How do you do it? Start now!"
"You can't pray," I said, "about a thing like that."
"Why not?"
Why not? Because, I could have said to him, we do not pray for things to happen or not happen, but for the strength and grace to bear what does. A fine way out, that smells abominably of defeat.
I think I've always thought of praying that way--we pray for the strength and grace to bear what happens only. Have I ever really believed I would get what I prayed for? Hmm... Incomplete, undeveloped thoughts... Maybe I should have read the Prayer of Jabez after all.
Well, it's been all of three days maybe, and I've already missed a post. *sigh* Oh well, not much I can say about that, since I didn't forget. After studying for my Tale of Genji quiz, I was tired, stressed, and freaked out (from feeling woefully unprepared) so I decided I should just go to sleep and at least try to be well-rested before the quiz.
Anyway, since I have two quizzes today (Tale of Genji is done, but I still have my English one left to go), my prayers last night AND today were much more emotional than usual. At first I was going to say heartfelt, or genuine, but I think that would've given the wrong impression. I really mean what I pray for, but a lot of times it feels kind of stilted, you know? Maybe it's because I tend to pray for the same things over and over, so it gets repetitive, or something, I don't know.
At any rate, my prayers about these quizzes have been pretty desperate. It's weird, because usually I take quizzes and stuff in stride. If I haven't studied enough, well, it's only natural that I'll do poorly--all very philosophical. But yes, these two quizzes, for some reason have really freaked me out and I've been praying for a miracle, basically. That somehow, despite my lack of preparation, the tiredness of my brain, and my inability to write a decent essay in a short and specified period of time, I will end up with decent marks on these quizzes. I'm not expecting or asking for A's or anything, I just don't want to fail or do poorly enough to bring down my entire mark.
But I'm still feeling panicked. Very panicked, actually. It makes me wonder if I've changed so much that the simple prayers that used to calm my pre-test/quiz worries in high school no longer work? Are there things in my life now that weren't there before that are preventing me from asking and receiving God's comfort? Is it even all that important that I find out, or am I just trying to avoid the fact that I didn't study enough?
Sorry, this is a very disjointed post. I doubt this would even make sense to me if I read it over again. I guess one thing this does is it gives a more honest expression of myself. I always try to sound/act put together--even in my rambling/raving blogs I try to have some sort of coherence and flow. I guess that's one side of me, true enough, but...
Ah, something just popped into my mind, a passage from The Lives of Girls and Women by Alice Munro, one of the books that will be covered in my quiz today:
"If you prayed for Major not to get shot would he not get shot?" said Owen in a demanding voice.
The thought of praying had never crossed my mind.
"You prayed you wouldn't have to thread the sewing machine anymore and you didn't."
I saw with dismay the unavoidable collision coming of religion and life.
He got up and stood in front of me and said tersely, "Pray. How do you do it? Start now!"
"You can't pray," I said, "about a thing like that."
"Why not?"
Why not? Because, I could have said to him, we do not pray for things to happen or not happen, but for the strength and grace to bear what does. A fine way out, that smells abominably of defeat.
I think I've always thought of praying that way--we pray for the strength and grace to bear what happens only. Have I ever really believed I would get what I prayed for? Hmm... Incomplete, undeveloped thoughts... Maybe I should have read the Prayer of Jabez after all.
