Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Losing Direction
As has often been the case in my Christian walk, I feel like I've lost my sense of direction, like I'm just spinning my wheels. Even though I can understand that the downs and ups are quite natural, I still feel really awful about it. Especially since it's not just my spiritual life.
I don't feel any drive to do well in school, not even in Japanese, which I love. My room's getting messy again and I'm just letting the clutter build up. Even though I'm always thinking about and praying for my friend L., I haven't taken the time to put the finishing touches on her now extremely late Christmas present to mail it off, or even to email her. I'm simply squandering my days doing nothing.
Even worse, I realize how I'm wasting time, but I'm not doing much about it.
So what's the point? I don't really know, but I'm glad I have this blog. It's a record of the goals and purposes I set out for myself in more certain times. Honestly, if I didn't feel that I had to post here everyday, I probably wouldn't bother doing my devos. As it is, I know that I'm not really hearing or applying God's word as I should, but at least when I read the Bible everyday I'm forced to face up to my lack of action, rather than pushing it completely aside.
I wish I had a better view of the big picture. It's kind of like when I had a really bad temper problem. (I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but ah well, it's a good reminder for me). For three years, I think, starting in grade three, I worried about my short temper. I can still recall now how miserable I felt, how discouraged, certain that I would never be able to control my short fuse. But I kept my goal in mind and prayed about it off and on all three years, and sometime in grade six I realized that I didn't really get as angry anymore.
So I guess I should remember that God will complete his works in me, even if I don't get through the steps and stages as fast as I think I should. If I give into indifference now, it's going to be really hard to change. Argh. What am I saying? I don't even know. For now I guess I'll keep plugging away at my devos, and hopefully the change will come, even if it takes me a long time to realize it.
As has often been the case in my Christian walk, I feel like I've lost my sense of direction, like I'm just spinning my wheels. Even though I can understand that the downs and ups are quite natural, I still feel really awful about it. Especially since it's not just my spiritual life.
I don't feel any drive to do well in school, not even in Japanese, which I love. My room's getting messy again and I'm just letting the clutter build up. Even though I'm always thinking about and praying for my friend L., I haven't taken the time to put the finishing touches on her now extremely late Christmas present to mail it off, or even to email her. I'm simply squandering my days doing nothing.
Even worse, I realize how I'm wasting time, but I'm not doing much about it.
So what's the point? I don't really know, but I'm glad I have this blog. It's a record of the goals and purposes I set out for myself in more certain times. Honestly, if I didn't feel that I had to post here everyday, I probably wouldn't bother doing my devos. As it is, I know that I'm not really hearing or applying God's word as I should, but at least when I read the Bible everyday I'm forced to face up to my lack of action, rather than pushing it completely aside.
I wish I had a better view of the big picture. It's kind of like when I had a really bad temper problem. (I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but ah well, it's a good reminder for me). For three years, I think, starting in grade three, I worried about my short temper. I can still recall now how miserable I felt, how discouraged, certain that I would never be able to control my short fuse. But I kept my goal in mind and prayed about it off and on all three years, and sometime in grade six I realized that I didn't really get as angry anymore.
So I guess I should remember that God will complete his works in me, even if I don't get through the steps and stages as fast as I think I should. If I give into indifference now, it's going to be really hard to change. Argh. What am I saying? I don't even know. For now I guess I'll keep plugging away at my devos, and hopefully the change will come, even if it takes me a long time to realize it.
